I’ve been in shock all month which explains why I’ve waited until the 16th to write this blog and frankly, I’m still extremely shaky.

The source of this overwhelming anxiety is my son Jared and his lovely girlfriend Brooke who are getting married in December. They made this joyous announcement some time ago and I assumed I would merely fill a minor role in their love fiesta. Perhaps I’d be walking down the aisle arm in arm with the ex factor, my mother or possibly someone’s pet monkey.

Incorrect, wrong and no way. I was recently told that after much deliberation the happy couple had decided I should be the “officiant” at their wedding. I was unfamiliar with this term, but am always thrilled to learn the meaning of a new word or phrase. For example, do you know a group of rhinoceros are known as a crash? That, my friends, is conversational gold.

I was informed that an officiant is “someone who officiates (i.e. leads) at a service or ceremony, such as marriage, burial, or namegiving/baptism.”

Genius! Who better to preside at a wedding than me? Well, Bozo The Clown, but he was apparently booked. It just so happens I am the personification of eternal love and I’ve got the ex-wives and countless bitter, enraged former girlfriends to prove it.

Most people are deathly afraid of public speaking…not me! I love public speaking – what I’m terrified of is public listening.

People have asked if it will be a religious ceremony. I explain my son is Jewish through me and Methodist via his mother and so the act of his conception was by a Jew on Meth. HELLO!!!

Brooke was raised in a fundamentalist church with the emphasis on fun. It was an ultra-traditional God-fearing church with a zany twist – the pastor only handled rubber snakes.

So I see this ceremony as anything goes. Squirting boutonniere for the best man? You betcha. I’m seriously considering hitting the maid of honor with a pie. The challenge for me is to honor the fact that two wonderful young people very much in love are counting on me to bless and sanctify their union and balance that with the reality that they’ve chosen an absolute idiot to marry them. By the power vested in me I think I’ll give both of them powerful vests.

Wondering where your Blanket Of The Month is? Right here, little buddies. From my own collection is this absolutely pristine Hamilton Blanket manufactured by Shuler & Benninghofen c. 1910. With this blanket I do wed and I may now kiss myself.